


Slide Away

by snowkatze



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication, Established Relationship, M/M, Making Up, Post-Book 1: Carry On, Songfic, Spoilers for Book 2: Wayward Son, yes it's the talk about break-up fic I did because I physically needed to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-23 01:49:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20884178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowkatze/pseuds/snowkatze
Summary: When 'Slide Away' comes on the radio, Baz is sitting across from Simon, watching him. Listenting to the song, he realizes that maybe it's time he took the hint... They talk.





	Slide Away

I fumble with the radio that Bunce listens to in the morning when she wants to get more involved with the Normal world. I settle on a channel and put it on the table. I'm pretending to study, and Snow is across the room. He's not looking at me, which means that I can look at him. His face looks blue in the light of his smartphone and he has no right to look beautiful in sweatpants, but he does. I don't think he has moved all day. I want to shake him.

The radio host announces that the next song is by Miley Cyrus. I like Miley Cyrus, though I'd skin anyone who found out.

“_Once upon a time, it was paradise_,” she sings, “_once upon a time, I was paralyzed_.”  
I keep my gaze on Snow. I couldn't stop look at him when I first saw him. I was furious. I was enchanted.  
“_Think I'm gonna miss these harbor lights._”  
Snow's eyes glow in the light of his phone. He glowed back then, too. The side of his face was dunked in the red light of the fire.

“_But it's time to let it go._”  
I clench my fingers. Something inside of me clenches, too, but I can't tell if it's my stomach or my heart.

“_Once upon a time, it was made for us._”  
He was glowing red when he first kissed me.

“_Woke up one day, it had turned to dust._”  
What's left after the fire? It burned so bright. I've always thought that it would end with me getting too close and burning up. I never would have expected the fire to get smaller and smaller and then burn out.

“_Baby, we were found but now we're lost._”  
Suddenly, he looks up at me and my breath hitches when my eyes meet his. There's a crease between his eyebrows. He's listening now.

“_So it's time to let it go._”  
I swallow, but keep holding his gaze. He puts his phone down. I can't remember the last time he let me touch him.

“_I don't give up easily_,” she sings and I remember the way he looked with a sword in his hand. Fierce, and like nothing could hurt him. “_But I don't think I'm down_.”  
There's a question in his eyes then that I don't know how to answer.

Then there's the chorus and sentences she keeps repeating. It's getting harder to breathe. He doesn't look away, but his eyes start to shimmer.

“_Move on, we're not seventeen_.”

I hate Miley Cyrus.

“_I'm not who I used to be_.”  
Simon Snow, with a sword, and that look in his eyes. Like nothing can stop him.

“_You say that everything changed._”  
The shimmer in his eyes turns into tears.

“_You're right, we're grown now._”  
He looks like he's pleading me with his eyes. Maybe I am. I turn off the radio and cut her off after “_back to the_-”

That's right. Why don't we do the adult thing and – talk. Snow used to look at me like he was ready to fight whenever we spoke, but now he looks resigned, and a little sad, even though I know that a battle is coming. (I should do the adult thing and let him go.)

“We need to talk,” I say because that's what people in movies say when a painful conversation is about to happen.

I can already see the credits roll on our relationship. _Starring a disturbed mage/vampire unable to keep his emotions in check and his terrible boyfriend_. Terrible ex-boyfriend. Though who knows, maybe he's good at that. (I hope he isn't. I hope he's a terrible ex-boyfriend who lets me stick around.)  
I stand up then and he does too, until we're two feet away from each other. It's closer than we've stood in weeks. Usually, I try to give him space, as much space as he needs, though sometimes, across the room is not enough. Sometimes I think he wants cities between us, then continents.  
He looks about as frightened as I feel, which is strange, because it's been a long time since I was able to read his emotions on his face. (I think it might be because he doesn't feel anymore. I'm scared it is.)

Is that it, Simon Snow? You want me to book a one-way to the end of the galaxy?  
“Simon,” I say, and his face breaks.

I wonder what he's going to say. He'll give me the “it's not you, it's me” speech because he thinks it's a courtesy.  
“Baz, I -” he says and takes a deep breath.

We both know it's me.

“You're going to break up with me, aren't you,” I say, and it's not a question.  
I allow myself one pathetic moment of wanting him to deny it.

I wonder if he ever loved me.

“When -”

He takes another deep breath.

“When someone shows you who they are,” he says slowly, like he's rehearsed it, “believe them.”  
Apparently, he does not have the courtesy to break up with me using his own words.  
I wonder if he's talking about that night.

The first time he dared to really look at me.

Frightened. Pathetic. Weak.  
I wonder which of my faces has scared him off for good. When he saw me feed for the first time?

“I'm sorry, Snow,” I say and his face twists again.  
He's sliding away. I'm twelve and I push him into the moat with the merwolves and he slides away.  
“It's for the best if I -”  
He doesn't owe me anything. Not even to finish his sentences.   
We're already a million clichés. I wonder if I can get away with “let's stay friends”.

“Snow, it's okay,” I say. I try for understanding, but what comes out is monotone. “You've had a lapse in judgment back then. But now you can see me for the -” I lower my voice, “- the monster I really am. It's not your fault.”  
Turns out, not even Simon Snow can love a monster. Well. What else can you expect, really, from a guy who slays dragons?  
“How many times do I have to tell you -”  
He's growing frustrated.  
“You're not a monster. I was talking about me. You thought I was a hero, and now you're stuck with me. I've fucked-up – and that's who I am, and I want you to see it. Please.”  
“I do see you, Snow,” I whisper.  
I want to step closer. If only he'd let me.

“Every day, I wait for you to figure it out. Every day, I think, this is the day he won't come over. I keep waiting.”  
“I'll come over until you tell me not to,” I say.   
He looks at me with a pained expression.  
“Do you?” I ask.  
“What?”  
“Tell me not to?”  
“I -” he starts. “I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.”  
“So am I.”  
“This is going to sound stupid,” he says quietly. Normally, I'd say, _nothing new, then. _Today, I hold my breath. “Let's just – not remove our shoes at all. No dropping necessary.”  
“You're an idiot, Snow,” I say, but I move a little closer. He doesn't walk back.  
“Do you hate me?” I say then, because I need to know if I've been imagining it.

“It's not you that I hate,” he says and my heart drops. “Baz, I'm so sorry. I promised to be your terrible boyfriend, but I've been worse than terrible. I've been – horrible -”  
“It's a synonym, Snow,” I say, but my voice is light.

I think he might let me touch his cheek.

“I know I've never said it,” he says, “I should have said it.”  
I think he might let me stay.  
“I know I've become hard to love,” he says.

“What, you think I'm not up to the challenge?” I scoff. Then I soften. “No, Simon. Loving you is the easiest thing I've ever done. It's everything else that was hard.”  
“But I'm not who you fell in love with. We're not seventeen any more.”  
“You're right. We're grown now,” I smile at him. “And that's the way it's supposed to be. I thought we didn't have a future back then. I thought you were going to be the death of me. I still do, of course. In a non-literal way. You had the world on your shoulders back then. I'm glad you don't anymore.”

“And that future...” he says and twists his hands.  
“I still want it, with you, always. If you'll have me.”  
“I'm not going to be better though. Just like that. From one day to the next.”  
“I know that. I know you need time. And I'll be with you every step of the way.”  
“Baz,” he says. He sounds like he's going to cry.

There's three inches between us, now. His eyes scrunch together when he cry-smiles. He looks at me like he wants me there.  
“I thought you knew,” he whispers. “But you didn't – you don't – I -”  
I tilt my head toward him. He doesn't step back, he doesn't even lean away. When I put my hand on his shoulder, he doesn't flinch.

“I love you,” he whispers and I'm kissing him.

It's going to be hard. But I've never known Snow to be one to back down from a fight. And this part – this part's always easy.

I love him so much. (He lets me.)


End file.
